GETTING OLDER & FEELING BETTER

a deep dive into sleep, exercise, sex, supplements and skincare

T.W. Disordered eating, body image & weight loss.

I have resisted writing this newsletter for a long time. It’s a funny one, I get asked a lot about my skincare regime, for recommendations on beauty products, wellness habits, diet, exercise regimes, clothing brands and the rest. And while I’m flattered, I’m also like, who cares?!?! I feel deeply conflicted about adding any more noise to the constant pressure put upon women to look great, show no signs of aging and generally appear sexy and nubile forever.

I’ve dealt with my fair share of body image issues, disordered eating and body dysmorphia and I know from personal experience that it’s rarely useful to pay too much attention to what other people are doing with their bodies, diet and health, because we are all different, and there is no one size fits all.

Throughout my twenties I felt like I was in a constant battle with my body, trying to make it smaller, smoother, browner and generally trying to conform to what society was asking of me. I had a really ropey relationship with exercise and diet, always coming from a place of punishment rather than intuition. I tried and tried and tried to get into running, booking myself into a 10K charity run in an effort to force myself into the habit, I would take myself to brutal exercise classes I couldn’t afford where instructors would scream at me to “PUSH HARDER” resulting in a torn muscle in my groin that stopped me from moving with ease for months to come. None of this came from a desire to be fitter or more healthy, just a deep yearning to be smaller. I’m not someone who has navigated a clinical eating disorder, and wouldn’t want to claim that experience at all, but I have always had a rather disordered relationship to food and eating, small rules I make for myself and habits that make me feel “safer”, which feels to be heavily informed by the media and noise around thinness that is making such a terrifying come back of late. Not to mention being an actor for 10 years and witnessing thinness being rewarded at every turn, an ever pressing need to get smaller in the hope I’d finally fit the mould.

I’ve been my smallest when I have been the most unhappy. In moments of deep anguish, anxiety and grief I have slipped into an unhealthy relationship with feeding myself. Starting off as a genuine loss of appetite that morphs into a very quiet and poisonous habit of seeing how long I can manage living on a few bites a day. There’s something really fucked up about losing weight out of misery and then being congratulated for it and rewarded for it by the outside world. I received more attention from men and compliments from peers which very unhelpfully was a positive reinforcement of the dangerous habits I was forming. I feel lucky that I’ve never fallen into anything more serious and all of those brief blips in my health quickly returned to normal as my mental health and happiness improved. One day I would wake up and realise I was back to my normal size, my jeans felt a bit tighter, the dark circles under my eyes had gone and I would realise that I wasn’t so sad anymore, that I was looking forward to my next meal, finding joy in food again and that would be relief. I would be relieved to be happier, but also, in a very fucked up way, slightly mourn the thinner version of myself that was gone. In those moments, I always knew that living that way wasn’t sustainable and that at some point I was going to have to start feeding myself properly again, but I was happy to dwell in the misery for a bit longer, until that time came.

I haven’t written this piece to encourage anyone else to do or eat or wear the things I do, but more to share the things that have helped me get to a better place with myself, my health and ultimately my relationship to my body. I’ve come a long way and at 32 I am feeling my happiest, healthiest and most at peace in my body than I ever have before. I feel so grateful to be getting older, to be in good health and have a body that moves with ease. I see the lines on my face getting deeper and more visible and there’s a part of me that doesn’t love it, then there’s another part that feels almost proud (?!) A few days ago I noticed that I have developed two smile lines around my mouth that didn’t used to be there. I told my boyfriend and he said that maybe they were his fault. He has a point, I’ve been smiling a lot more since I met him.

I have friends in their early twenties who are getting preventative Botox, filler and cosmetic treatments already, which I truly do not judge them for, all power to them frankly, but it is a funny experience to be watching the faces around you become smoother and shinier as you gradually see yours move in the opposite direction. For me, I know I’ll never dabble in “tweakments” or cosmetic surgery, my fear of needles and general medical intervention runs far too deep. And while I genuinely feel grateful to be ageing, there will always be a small voice in my head, and a very loud voice from the outside world, that tells me I need to look younger.

All this to say, over the last couple of years I have found a rhythm and a routine that keeps me feeling good mentally and physically, and when I feel great, I tend to look great too. I feel like we all need to figure out what that means for ourselves, because we are all different, but maybe by sharing a little of what has helped me, it might help you a little too. And that would be cool.

I’ve shared a breakdown of habits, products (I barely use any and loath buying yet more things but there are a few I swear by), rituals and mindsets that have helped me feel my best in both body and mind. I hope it’s useful! And it it’s not, please ignore and crack on with your day. Ultimately, what’s important to me is how I feel, rather than what anyone else thinks about me and that has been the most freeing shift of the last couple of years.

Sending love, Rosie x